Time Flies

I have been planning for Cole's Yard Sale for about 10 months now. I cannot believe how fast time has flown! It is next week and I am so excited!! I cannot wait to see the turn out and hopefully raise enough money to make a difference in some other families lives. I really hope that this is worth it. It has been a huge process, but I am so grateful to have taken on such a great project. I cannot think of a better way to spend one's time, than in giving back to others.

I was telling Cole's story to some people today, and almost broke down crying. It has been about 2 1/2 years and it still feels like yesterday he passed away. I can still play every event in my mind. Going to the hospital, having a gut feeling that something was wrong and he needed to be delivered. Having his heart rate low. When he was born, he looked absolutely beautiful. A perfect angel. His cute little feet were clubbed, but other than that, he looked just perfect. He didn't open his eyes, but he was also 4 weeks early, so the nurses said it was typical. It was late at night and I was so tired. I remember thinking, "When are they going to get me to my room and put him in the nursery?" I felt like I could barely hold him with my arms.

When they didn't bring him into feed that night I was worried. I called down to the nursery and he had been placed in the NICU. His oxygen levels had been low, so they wanted to monitor him. When I first went to see him, I was expecting him to only be in the NICU for a couple of weeks. I was so anxious to have him home, the thought of having him up there for 4 whole weeks was unimaginable. Now, that seems a bit easier. He was so beautiful sleeping. We were advised not to stroke him a lot or hold him, since he was a premie and too much contact could be bothersome. I remember just staring at him. In my mind I was picturing him with two little blue cast on his cute little legs. He was in the process of being approved for surgery through Shriners Hospital. My biggest worries at that time was getting him home, and getting him through surgery when he was a little bit bigger.

I went home the next day, with plans and arrangements to come and see him and deliver his milk. It was strange not having him home, but many parents have had to go through this process, so I was prepared to take on the challenge. The next morning we were eating breakfast, and we received a call from the NICU. They said that we need to come up and speak to them. Cole had a small seizure at night and they wanted to talk to us. At first I didn't know what to think. How bad is that? Is it normal? It seemed like a million years had gone by, by the time we had dropped Drew off at his cousins and reached the hospital. Cole's Dr. was amazing. He informed us that this sometimes happens with premie's and they were going to do more testing. He had his brain imaged and they found some scarring. There was grey matter where it should have been black or white. The Dr. said that it could be anything from learning to crawl late to cerebral palely. Cole just laid there perfectly. Besides his cute little feet being clubbed, absolutely nothing looked wrong with him. We were sent out to wait while they checked his heart and did other tests. His Dr. said that he treated every patient like his own. If he felt like for any reason they could not treat Cole fully here, he would immediately send him to Primary's. It was so comforting to have a Dr. who truly cared for your child.

Nick was in during the ultra sound of Cole's heart. He asked the technician if he could see anything, or something like that. He replied yes, but that the Dr. would have to speak to him about it. After that test, Cole's Dr. came and said that they were transporting him to Primary Children's. There was a blockage by his heart. That struck a chord in me. This was not good. Primary was one of the top hospitals in the country for children. They treated anything and everything, and here my baby was going to have to join them because something was wrong. Life Flight was called in by ambulance to take him up to Primary's. As they were transferring his tubing and cords, one of the nurses asked if I had the chance to hold him. I told her no, just when he was delivered and she put him in my arms and continued to get things ready to go. They also had a camera and were taking pictures of us. A sickening feeling entered me, and I knew this was not going to be good. They buckled him in his little seatbelt in the incubator and we were headed up to Primary's.

The head Dr. came and spoke to us after he finished assessing Cole. He was taken off guard by the results at St. Marks and was going to re-run the tests. In my mind I was thinking, "Yes, they made a mistake. Let's go home." We waited what seemed like hours, and then they finally came and called us into a room. I swear there had to have been six dr.'s in there with us. I felt like I was meeting with the medical board.

We then learned that our perfect little angel was struggling. Cole had developed a clot in the aortic arch of his heart, while in utero. They couldn't tell whether it was a blood clot or a tumor. It had however, been blocking the blood flow to his brain for quite some time. The left side of his brain and body had not been getting adequate blood supply for quite sometime. His brain had however, developed an alternate route to supply some blood flow. The damage to his brain was extensive. There were no options for surgery.

When babies are born, they have a type of whole in their heart. As the first few days pass, that whole naturally closes up on it's own, and they continue to develop and grow. Cole's was only surviving on that little whole through his heart. His little body was working twice as hard to pump enough blood throughout his body. When the dr.'s discover this, they were able to put him on some medication to keep the hole open and help with his blood flow. The thought of my son, lying there, struggling just to pump his blood for the past 3 1/3 days, broke my heart. What a strong guy he was. We had to make the decision of when were going to take him off like support. His life literally was in our hands. It is such an intense and emotional feeling to have to decide your child's death date.

With arrangements made, family and friends started to come and say good bye to our sweet baby Cole. We were placed in a separate area so that we could have some privacy. The NICU has pretty strict rules when it comes to their little angels. And they rightfully do so. Those sweet babies and working so hard to exist and they need to make sure that absolutely nothing interfere's with their progression. We used to joke that it was like going into lockdown when entering the NICU. You wash you hands for what seems like 10 minutes, then use hand sanitizer, and possibly in the future a full body scan. Well, when your son is dying, no germs can make it worse. We weren't monitored for germs and colds. And suddenly the rule of no touching and holding was thrown out the window. He was being held almost 24/7 whether by a friend, family member,or nurse. Immediately the feeling was hold him now, for tomorrow he will be gone.

Cole returned to his Father in Heaven on Monday, November 11, 2008. He died in our arms surrounded by family. I started to get nervous as he slowly started to pass away. I watched his every breath. He opened his eyes. He looked at me and then closed them. It was my first and last time that I had seen his beautiful blue eyes. Moments later he took his last breath. I felt his presence exit the room. After he died it felt cold. His little body was still, too still.

It was a huge test of our faith having Cole die. I prayed the night before we were to take him off life support. I prayed for peace and comfort and the courage to be strong. I received the warmest feeling and reassurance that Cole's plan was to return to his Heavenly Father. He was so special, so perfect, so pure. I miss him everyday. I think about how our family would be different to have 3 little boys running around. But I know without a doubt, that I will see my sweet baby Cole again. I will hold him in my arms again and be able to see him grow up.

I love you Cole! This yard sale is in your honor. To help those who are facing harder trials than we can even imagine.
"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil. and we shall soon have them again."

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today our sweet angel returned to his father in heaven. Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind and in my heart. I love you so much sweetie!

If You Could See Where I have Gone

If you could see where I have gone, the beauty fo this place,
And how it feels to know you're home, to see the Savior's face.
To wake in peace and know no fear, just joy beyond compare,
While still on earth you miss me yet, You wouldn't want me there.

If you could see where I have gone, had made the trip with me.
You'd know I didn't go alone, the Savior came with me.
When I awoke, He was by my side, and reaching down His hand,
Said, "Hurry child, you're going home, to a grand and glorious land.
Don't worry over those you love, for I'm not just with you.
And don't you know with you at home, they'll long to be here, too?"

If you could see where I have gone, and see what I've been shown.
You'd never know another fear or ever feel alone.
You'd marvel at the care of God. His hand on every life;
And realize He really cares, and bears with us each strife;
And that He weeps when one is lost. His heart is filled with pain.
But, oh, the joy when one comes home, a child home again.

If you could see where I have gone, could stay awhile with me;
Could share the things that God has made to grace eternity.
But, no, you couldn't ever leave. Once heaven's joys you'd known.
You couldn't bear to walk earth's paths again, once heaven was your home.

If you could see where I have gone. You'd know we'll meet someday.
And though I'm parted from you now, that I am just away.
So thank you, friends- thank you family for living for the Lord.
For teaching me to love Him, to trust Him and His word.
And now that I'm home with Him, secure in every way,
I'm waiting here at heaven's door- to greet you some sweet day.

Happy Birthday!

Well today would of been Cole's second birthday. Having just finished Drew's and Hudson's there is a huge part in me wishing that I was having another party today. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I could see a third little boy running crazy around my house. The struggles of raising children are real but my desire to have him here with us is stronger. It gets harder sometime, as time goes by. I find myself yearing for those last days with him and wanting just one more day. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I even had him and lost him so quickly so I think back to that November and the wave of emotions come over me. To me he is still my son, and I want to shout out to everyone that I have three boys. I often lay in bed imagining that he is in my arms along with his brothers. I know that he is near, but as life gets busy it becomes harder to feel him. I miss him at times like this so much! It breaks my heart that every year Drew thinks that he is coming back from Heaven and that he is going to have another baby to play with. I truly feel that Drew and him had a close relationship. For Drew to remember and feel so much at two years old when Cole died is truly remarkable. Here is to you little man! Happy Birthday Cole! I am giving you a huge hug and kissing your sweet forehead. I love you so much and am so proud and blessed to be your mommy! Hugs and kisses forever!

2011 Cole's Yard Sale Fundraiser!!

I want to plan a yard sale in behalf of Cole. The money collected will be donated to Primary Children's Medical Center to hopefully help another family with the medical costs of having a child as a patient there. I thought if I started to collect things now, it will be a great sucess, come next summer. Please help! I am willing to store everything donated throughout the year in my house. Now is the time of year when many families are going through clothing and tossing what doesn't fit anymore. Instead of taking it elsewhere, please let me collect those items so the yeard sale will be a sucess. Thank you for all of your love and support!!

Edwin's Tale

Nick and I had the wonderful opportunity of attending Peter Breinholt's Christmas concert this holiday season. While there it occured to me that some of you might not know exactly why we have Edwin's Tale as a music choice on Cole's blog. It is about a soldier at war. We first heard the song on Cole's blog a few days before he died. Luke's beautiful wife Hollie, put this all together and it immediately captured how we felt, while going through everything with Cole.
All around us huge history making events were happening around us. The war in Iraq, Presidential elections and even just everyday drama. And here we were in this tiny room with our son, praying that he would live. The importance and purpose of life, profoundly made it clear to me. I didn't know what was happening with those outside of our room, and at that point, I didn't care. It wasn't important. All that mattered was the time that we had left with Cole. The first few weeks preceding and after his death, I felt at times that I couldn't breathe. When the doctors came and gave us the news I was crushed. I felt my life closing in around on me, and yet in those moments of sorrow, I knew that somehow, in some way everything was going to be alright. Cole's spirit was and is so strong to this day. There hasn't been a day yet, that I haven't felt him by my side. He is so kind to me. And still everyday is different. Some are harder than others, but I know that he is in his Father's arms, and keeping his promise to stay by my side. We love you buddy! Happy 2 month birthday tomorrow!! xoxo Mommy

Thank You!

We wanted to thank everyone for all of their love and support! Cole was such an amazing person, and we are blessed to be his parents. It means so much to us that so many people posted their love and support. I truly feel that is why we have been able to have an eternal perspective on everything and have kept our heads up.
To those of you who didn't have a chance to meet and hold Cole, I am sorry. He was the most beautiful baby ever. His tiny hands were constantly being poked from various IV's but he didn't complain a bit. He loved to keep his clubbed little feet tucked up by his bottom and would pull them back up if you tried to stretch them out. He kept his eyes shut the whole time the few days that he was here. I think he was tired from working so hard so live, but Nick and I and our parents had an amazing experience the last few hours that we spent with with him. Slowly he started to open one eye and then the other, like he was taking little peeks at us and seeing if we were there. We will forever treasure those sacred moments.
As a mother I long to hold him in my arms again. To those of you who have children, you know of their distint smell, and at times I smell him and tears come to my eyes. I have had my days where I ache to have him here with us, but try to keep in mind the eternal perspective. Although this has been the hardest thing that we have had to go through, Nick and I both feel blessed to have eachother, our families and the gospel. We know that everything happens for a reason and are grateful for the teachings which we have received through this. We thought that some of you might enjoy seeing some more pictures of Cole, so I have put them up in a slide show. I wish that we could personally thank each of you for your support. Please know that we appreciate each and everyone of you. We love you! Love Nick and Janessa